Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
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911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*