Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
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“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise