[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
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Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.