You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
work smarter, not harder