@NourHadidi How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
@candlelit_moth You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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@NourHadidi 
@reallifemommy3 In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
@meganamram Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
@ObscureGent What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
@SarcasticSadOne Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
@neiltyson Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
@Playing_Dad I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
@VeganZebra Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
@TrainedHedonist We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
@dogfather [start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP