You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

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How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die


In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this


Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.


What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?


Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.


Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.


I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work


Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money


We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.


[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP