@candlelit_moth

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

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@NourHadidi

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

@reallifemommy3

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

@meganamram

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

@ObscureGent

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

@SarcasticSadOne

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

@neiltyson

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

@Playing_Dad

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

@VeganZebra

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

@TrainedHedonist

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

@dogfather

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP