You Might Also Like
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
If snakes were wide
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.