I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
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[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.