[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
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[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
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Spell check is for lasers.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.