Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
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The Punning Dead.
When I laugh on my period
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
When I said I liked it rough.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.