9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
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Start the year as you intend to continue.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie