fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
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If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
#dalle2
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*