I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
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After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
💻🤡
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first