💻🤡
You Might Also Like
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.