I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
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My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine