If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
You Might Also Like
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
A small tragedy.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Need this in my life lol
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.