me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
You Might Also Like
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now