did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
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I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”