My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
![]()
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
The three genders.
![]()
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
![]()
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
![]()
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.