My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
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Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Investing in beetcoin
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
it’s the silliest best thing
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.