The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
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Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
monday
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.