The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
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Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
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I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude