Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
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I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.