*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
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I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
(Musicians.)
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”