Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*