dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
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Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.