What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows