Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one