In banana years, I am bread.
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It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.