“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.