Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
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There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Rambo Rambow
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.