At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
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“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!