Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
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Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that