I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
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My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I have no passwords left in me
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.