And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
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me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better