If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
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If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks