Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
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Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
What is going on? 😅
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
went fishing caught a bass
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what