[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
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If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I love you…
…r dog.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.