[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?