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“just sayin” who asked you though?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Finally!
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Guys, I found it.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
respect
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.