Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
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[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.