Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
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I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Note to self: I am a note
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.