Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
You Might Also Like
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.