Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
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I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.