Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
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Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”