[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio