Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
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Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
i guess his teacher was really pissed
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Fight
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.