[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
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:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video