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Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here