What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
You Might Also Like
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.