“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”