@trevso_electric

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

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@PaperWash

[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”

@legsandsass

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

@OtherDanOBrien

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

@MadHatterMommy

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

@zoeklar

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

@Marlebean

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

@WilliamAder

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

@BumbleDC

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

@djdarrellripley

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…