I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

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Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot


Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.


The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.


Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.


23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.


Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.


I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it


How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?


who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function


Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that