[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…