I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.