@trevso_electric

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

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@baconacid

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

@MadamBetteNoire

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

@JediGigi

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

@HaliPhacks

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

@EmoPhilips

23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.

Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

@noog

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

@rusty_coach

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

@CatherineLMK

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

@omically

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

@punmagnate

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that