The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
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I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.