Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
You Might Also Like
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side